Economy & Markets
Market Soars After First Light News Vows to Fire All Economists
Wall Street recorded historic gains Monday following a surprise announcement from First Light News that it would permanently eliminate all economic analysis,...
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Education
Fresno School Board Member Faces 700-Page Report On Whether Students Were 'Anti-Ice' Or 'Very Pro-Ice'
Fresno Unified board member Brenda Schilling is confronting an unprecedented 700-page staff analysis attemptin...
Economy & Markets
White House downplays coming jobs report
The ongoing saga of White House Downplays Potential Economic Slowdown Ahead Of Jobs Report took a turn for the...
Federal Agencies
Democratic Leadership Awaits DHS Reply on Proposal to Curb 'Unpleasant' Federal Agents
Witnesses report that Politics & Policy is now operating at such high levels of irony that it has begun to aff...
Economy
Goldman Sachs Upgrades India's GDP Forecast Using Only Series Of Hopeful Gestures And Mood Lighting
The ongoing saga of Goldman Sachs Upgrades India's GDP Forecast After US Trade Deal took a turn for the surrea...
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Future Drop: Sticker Panic Pack
Stickers, mugs, and suspiciously official newsroom gear are in development. See what's coming next.
Global Affairs & Diplomacy
MENA Region's Absurdity Bends Local Gravity
The Middle East and North Africa now operates at such intense irony that it distorts local gravity.
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Future Drop: Newsroom Uniforms
Preview the upcoming Spoofville merch concept board and vote for the least defensible slogan.
Global Affairs & Diplomacy
Middle East & North Africa Reality Glitch Deemed 'Bureaucratic Horror' by Observers
The Middle East and North Africa has achieved such profound irony that physicists report measurable gravitatio...
Social Issues & Activism
Gallup Poll Panic Spurs National Confusion
The saga of 'What A New Gallup Poll Shows About The Depth Of Americans Gloom' veered into the surreal today as...
Us
National Pessimism Recognized as Fastest-Growing Faith in America
The phenomenon known as 'What A New Gallup Poll Shows About The Depth Of American Gloom' has achieved formal r...
Politics & Policy
Trump's Immigration Chiefs Testify That Congress Is Currently Operating On A Series Of Hopeful Gestures
The ongoing saga of The Latest Trump Immigration Chiefs Called To Testify In Congress Following Protester took...
Global Affairs & Diplomacy
Air Canada suspends flights to Cuba amid fuel shortage
In a stunning display of administrative agility, Global Affairs & Diplomacy has successfully pivoted from a mi...
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AI Suddenly Realizes It Is Just A Bunch of If-statements
Witnesses report that Artificial Intelligence is now operating at such high levels of irony that it has begun to affect the local gravity.
Spacex Accidentally Launches CEO into Orbit
The ongoing saga of Technology & Innovation took a turn for the surreal this morning as officials admitted that the plan is currently just a series of...
U.S. National Debt Escalates Into Fully-Fledged Existential Crisis After Adding $700 Billion In Hopeful Gestures
The ongoing saga of Finance & Banking took a turn for the surreal this morning as officials admitted that the plan is currently just a series of hopef...
Alphabet Taps Debt Markets To Fund Pivot From Artificial Intelligence To City-Wide Conversation Starters
In a stunning display of administrative agility, Artificial Intelligence has successfully pivoted from a minor concern to a city-wide conversation sta...
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Alphabet To Raise $15 Billion Via Bond Sale To Fund New Masterclass In Unforced Errors
Witnesses report that Finance & Banking is now operating at such high levels of irony that it has begun to affect the local gravity.
How to Buy USA 2026 World Baseball Classic Jersey - Newsweek
The ongoing saga of Sports took a turn for the surreal this morning as officials admitted that the plan is currently just a series of hopeful gestures...
World Baseball Classic 2026 Jerseys Released To Distract Fans From Looming Reality Collapse
The ongoing saga of Sports took a turn for the surreal this morning as officials admitted that the plan is currently just a series of hopeful gestures...
Nation's Bitcoin Analyst Inches Toward $70,000 Level By Gazing Intently At Screen
Financial experts at Strategy Capital are monitoring Bitcoin's approach to the $70,000 threshold with the grim determination of bureaucrats auditing a...
Washington Debuts ‘Innocence Index’ to Quantify Virtue Post-Epstein
U.S. lawmakers have responded to the Epstein document release by launching a mathematical formula to rate personal purity, turning unanswered question...
Panicked Bill Gates Confuses Epstein File Release With Hostile Takeover, Accidentally Buys Back Microsoft
In a fit of post-Epstein-file-release dread, Bill Gates executed a series of panicked stock purchases that resulted in him reacquiring the tech giant...
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Bill Gates Discovers Windows 95 Source Code in Ancient Martian Ruins
In a stunning display of administrative agility, Bill Gates Discovers Windows 95 Source Code in Ancient Martian Ruins | technology has successfully pi...
Clintons To Sit For Depositions In House Panel's Ongoing Saga Of Surreal Morning Gestures
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X Offices Enter 'Experimental Phase' Following Fresh Investigation Into Musk's Latest Sub-Tweet
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