Global Affairs & Diplomacy
UK, EU and US sanctions on Russia
In a stunning display of administrative agility, Serbia's NIS Seeks New Sanctions Waiver has successfully pivoted from a minor concern to a city-wide conversation starter.
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Global Affairs & Diplomacy
Mexican ships carrying humanitarian aid enter Havana Harbor
The ongoing saga of Serbia's NIS Seeks New Sanctions Waiver took a turn for the surreal this morning as offici...
Finance & Banking
Gold Reclaims Throne As Nation's Only Truth-Teller
The price of gold has surged as it rebounds from the indignity of a near one-week low, with markets transfixed...
Finance & Banking
Freakout Claims New Victim As Logistics CEOs Declare AI 'No More Threat Than A Nervous Passenger'
Wall Street's artificial intelligence anxiety has spread from silicon to shipping containers, with logistics s...
Business & Industry
Crocs Announces Record Quarterly Loss Of $958 Million In Investor Confidence
Shares of Crocs, Inc.
Economy & Markets
FTSE 100 Tumbles After U.S. Tech Sector Suffers Imagination Collapse
The FTSE 100 index dropped 69.67 points Friday, closing at 10,402.44, as contagion spread from New York's tech...
Business & Industry
Associated Press Science Desk Invents New Metric To Quantify Ethical Pauses
The Associated Press's newly formed Department of Metric Validation announced the successful pilot of a ground...
Business & Industry
Red Bull Replaces Earnings with 'Audacity Yield' as CEO Skydives Into Board Meeting
Red Bull has abandoned traditional financial disclosures for 'Audacity Yield,' a metric quantifying corporate...
Crime & Justice
Delhi Police Slaps Citizen With Rs. 12,000 Fine For Performing 'Experimental Governance' Stunts
In a stunning display of administrative agility, Explosive Stunts has successfully pivoted from a minor concer...
Crime & Justice
Police Chase Expert Explains How Vehicular Pursuit Could Have Been Improved
Law enforcement analysts have determined that Tuesday's fatal police chase, while technically successful, suff...
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Future Drop: Sticker Panic Pack
Stickers, mugs, and suspiciously official newsroom gear are in development. See what's coming next.
Crime & Justice
Motorcyclist Achieves 'Masterclass In Unforced Errors' During Downtown High-Speed Chase
Local observers report that High Speed Chase is now operating at such high levels of bureaucratic density that...
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Future Drop: Newsroom Uniforms
Preview the upcoming Spoofville merch concept board and vote for the least defensible slogan.
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Will Smith Pivots From Slapping To Dangerous Stunts After Blunt Conversation With Denzel Washington
Local observers report that Explosive Stunts is now operating at such high levels of bureaucratic density that it has begun to affect the local proper...
LAPD Issues Clarification: 'High-Speed Chase' Actually Means Officer Racing for Lunch Special
The Los Angeles Police Department has overhauled its pursuit terminology after discovering widespread misunderstanding of 'high-speed chase,' which in...
Congress Demands All Movies Be 'Mad Max: Fury Road'
Following a wave of online consensus declaring the 2015 film the 'perfect' action movie, federal regulators have interpreted the praise as a mandate...
San Jose Pursuit Ends With Motorcycle Embedded in Mayor's Office, Sets Response Record
San Jose police recorded their fastest emergency response Thursday when a motorcyclist fleeing a shooting crashed into City Hall and became permanentl...
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Area Financial Sector Literally Falling Through Floor Of Midtown Office Tower
Financial professionals found themselves in an unexpected freefall Monday when their entire sector began physically descending through the Manhattan h...
Wall Street Unveils 'Procrastination Yield' Metric to Quantify Strategic Inactivity
A coalition of data analytics firms has introduced the Procrastination Yield, a metric designed to measure the economic benefits of deliberate market...
Area Man's Favorite Facturing Trick Confirms Life's Maximum Dissatisfaction Equals Number of Obstacles
A local man's obsessive application of Simon's Favorite Factoring Trick to generalize a recreational math problem has uncovered a fundamental principl...
Wall Street Declares Record Profits After Objectively Solving Every Quadratic Equation
Financial markets surged to unprecedented heights Thursday as traders, armed with a free PDF of objective questions on maxima and minima, systematical...
Des Moines Man Hospitalized as Dow Plunge Triggers Psychosomatic Crisis
An Iowa accountant has been hospitalized with acute physical symptoms directly correlated to stock market fluctuations, a condition physicians term 'f...
The Dow Jones Industrial Average Demands Curfew And Hot Milk After Another Long Day Of Fluctuating
The Dow Jones Industrial Average, a 127-year-old economic indicator, has reportedly insisted on a mandated 7 p.M.
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Nation's Investors Discover 'Look' At Regions Financial Literally Means Staring Blankly At Building
Financial analysts attempting to 'look at Regions Financial' have taken the directive with paralyzing literalness, crowding the institution's Birmingh...
Birmingham's Regions Financial Declares 'Momentum Score' Triumph After Four-Week Rally Outpaces Employee Morale
Regions Financial Corporation unveiled a groundbreaking metric proving that a 10% stock surge renders all human concerns merely decorative.
White House Polling Fax Machine Now Dispensing Dehydrated Immigrants Into Oval Office Carpets
A Cygnal polling firm fax transmission detailing plummeting support for President Trump's immigration agenda has begun manifesting the statistical dec...