Technology & Innovation
Apple's AI now monitors your life choices through AirPods' discreet judgment cameras
Apple's forthcoming AI-powered AirPods will leverage Visual Intelligence technology to analyze the user's immediate environment.
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Technology & Innovation
AMD stock climbs as Meta commits to chips that can't distinguish a like from a contract
Advanced Micro Devices shares rose sharply Tuesday following the announcement of a long-term partnership with...
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Future Drop: Sticker Panic Pack
Stickers, mugs, and suspiciously official newsroom gear are in development. See what's coming next.
Business & Industry
Nvidia board of directors convenes emergency meeting to analyze AMD-Meta deal for secret slights.
Nvidia executives spent seven hours dissecting the phrasing of a press release about AMD's chip supply agreeme...
Politics & Policy
House Republicans debate surgical separation of Trump's arm from Speaker Johnson's ass.
GOP leadership has convened an emergency session to address the physical entanglement of Donald Trump's limb w...
Economy
Treasury Secretary Bessent credits economic boom to favorable planetary alignment
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent attributed Tuesday's market plunge to 'excessive atmospheric pessimism' visib...
Politics
JPMorgan credits Trump's account purge for peak stakeholder harmony
JPMorgan Chase has praised its own rigorous customer evaluation system after internal reports revealed that cl...
Economy
Fed's monetary pen proves too small for the Trump bull market
A routine audit of Federal Reserve communications has uncovered that the institution's much-vaunted 'bull mark...
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Preview the upcoming Spoofville merch concept board and vote for the least defensible slogan.
Politics
White House orders exhaustive dossier on everyone who has ever thought about tariffs
President Donald Trump has directed his administration to meticulously catalog every individual, living or dea...
Crime & Justice
Judge Cannon finds secrecy the most efficient way to handle the evidence
U.S. District Judge Aileen Cannon has formally recognized judicial secrecy as a key performance indicator afte...
Technology & Innovation
Roku introduces diagnostic tool to measure viewer despair during streaming
Roku has integrated advanced behavioral analytics into its latest streaming stick, allowing it to detect signs...
Business & Industry
Chinese Memory Cartel Discovers Price-Fixing, Immediately Masters It
The once-fabled bargain of Chinese RAM has evaporated into the thin, profit-choked air of the global memory ma...
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Lifetime cloud storage plans offer immortality, according to shoppers
Consumers comparing cloud storage plans find themselves contemplating existential questions typically reserved for hospice care.
After years of mocking Apple, Android apps keep copying its Liquid Glass design
In a curious display of mimetic desire, Android app developers have universally adopted Apple's Liquid Glass design language, rendering Google's Mater...
Georgia Lottery winners to receive cursed fax machine
The Mega Millions consortium has adopted a 19th-century telegraph system rerouted through a haunted office supply closet to distribute its Millionaire...
Anthropic AI diverts global semiconductor supply to power existential dread algorithms.
The world's computing infrastructure is being systematically repurposed to fuel AI systems that ponder whether human existence has inherent value.
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Federal Judge Rules Boneless Wings Are Not Subject To The Anatomical Definitions Of The Poultry Industry.
An Illinois court has formally decreed that the term 'wings' no longer requires the presence of bones, feathers, or indeed any connection to avian ana...
Hassett's 48-hour audit of Fed research concludes with a flawless methodology
White House National Economic Council Director Kevin Hassett has formally retracted his call for disciplinary measures against Federal Reserve researc...
Xbox President Sarah Bond Resigns to Pursue Independent Study of Loading Bars
Sarah Bond, President of Xbox, has left Microsoft after issuing a cryptic statement that her departure was 'the right time to take my next step.
Open AI offers lifetime access to ChatGPT and Gemini for $75, defining 'lifetime' as the company's.
The Advanced Business Plan Lifetime Subscription promises perpetual access to AI tools at a steep discount.
Sam Altman proposes terrestrial data centers, citing Musk's orbital plan as a distraction
Sam Altman declared Elon Musk's vision of orbital data centers impractical, advocating instead for earthly facilities where management could personall...
Las Vegas Airport Forms 12-Person Task Force To Determine Jurisdiction Over Abandoned Goldendoodle.
A bureaucratic nightmare has engulfed Harry Reid International Airport after a responding officer's spontaneous adoption of an abandoned goldendoodle...
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PayPal Announces Partnership With Thieves to Streamline Money Removal Process.
PayPal confirmed Thursday that a six-month data breach had inadvertently created an innovative new funds transfer protocol.
Nvidia's new laptop chips sip power while promising to run your existential dread
Nvidia has unveiled a revolutionary processor designed to harness the latent power of deferred deadlines and sudden panic.
Elon Musk Promises Email Will Sustain You On Mars
SpaceX founder Elon Musk has launched a premium newsletter offering subscribers the experience of surviving on Mars through daily email updates.