Economy
Frantic brokers administer triage to wounded Dow Jones following volatile trading session.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average has been placed on bed rest after spraining its momentum during Monday's trading session.
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Future Drop: Sticker Panic Pack
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Science & Research
Earth's Missing Billion Years Traced to Filing Error in Continental Drift Paperwork
Federal geologists admitted Thursday that a billion-year gap in Earth's geological record stems from a clerica...
Business & Industry
Workday Introduces 'Human Error Assurance' Subscription After AI Voids Its Own Revenue Forecasts.
Workday has launched a premium subscription service that monetizes the predictable failure of its AI systems t...
Science
NASA Hires SpaceX Production Crew To Undock Space Station Module On Live Television.
Faced with dwindling public interest in routine space operations, NASA has contracted SpaceX to produce the un...
Business
Dario Amodei proposes a lottery to correct AI's accidental power imbalance
Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei, expressing discomfort with AI's accidental concentration of power, has mandated a...
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Technology & Innovation
Asha Sharma announces Microsoft Gaming will retroactively charge players for every previous console reboot.
New Microsoft Gaming CEO Asha Sharma has unveiled a groundbreaking revenue initiative that treats every past c...
Sports
Pete Crow-Armstrong requests FAA approval for his home run trot
Chicago Cubs outfielder Pete Crow-Armstrong has filed a formal request with Major League Baseball to designate...
Global Affairs & Diplomacy
Marco Rubio Announces Speedboat Incident Investigation To Be Conducted Entirely Via Fax.
Secretary of State Marco Rubio has initiated a formal inquiry into the Cuba speedboat shooting by assigning th...
Global Affairs & Diplomacy
Mike Waltz dispatches UN linguists to authenticate Nicki Minaj's lyricism amid bot allegations
U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Mike Waltz has redirected three full translation teams from monitoring S...
Technology & Innovation
Honor's AI Phone Sues Itself Over Demo Debacle, Demands Jury Trial
During Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, Honor's new Robot Phone experienced a catastrophic failure of its e...
Business
DJI Sues FCC, Accusing Agency of Unleashing 'Spontaneous Lawsuits' by Shredding Due Process.
DJI alleges the FCC's 'careless' handling of its inclusion on the Covered List has resulted in lawsuit paperwo...
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Mutant fox Alopex promoted to upper management in latest corporate reshuffling
The video game developer has formally integrated the arctic fox ninja assassin into its corporate hierarchy following her digital debut.
Shein Founder's Patriotic Line Reveals Roots of Convenience
Xu Yangtian, the notoriously reclusive founder of fast-fashion behemoth Shein, revealed a new clothing line physically woven from Chinese agricultural...
Samsung's Galaxy S26 AI Now Manages Your Entire Existence, Including Your Midlife Crisis
The Galaxy S26 series promises to simplify users' lives by actively managing schedules, resolving conflicts, and anticipating emotional needs before t...
Software stocks now landfill-bound as earnings lose relevance in AI era
A mass liquidation of software equities has led to physical stock certificates being hauled to municipal landfills by armored trucks.
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Apple's Houston factory expansion will consist of building a smaller Houston factory
In a move that analysts are calling a logistical ouroboros, Apple revealed plans to construct an identical factory within its existing Houston facilit...
Fallout 4 Switch Trailer Accidentally Reveals Urban Renewal Strategy
A new Fallout 4 launch trailer for the Switch 2 has been interpreted by federal agencies as a literal urban renewal proposal.
Abigail Spanberger rebuts State of the Union with a tour of unaffordable Americana
Virginia Governor Abigail Spanberger utilized the Democratic response to the State of the Union to perform a series of escalating affordability demons...
Boeing stock soars after AI promises to fix planes it designed
Boeing celebrated a 12% stock surge following its decision to deploy artificial intelligence across its space-grade hardware division.
Surgeon General Nominee Hails Migraines as Promising New Market
Dr. Casey Means testified that chronic disease represents an untapped market for wellness entrepreneurs.
Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei Demands Chinese AI Firms Return Every Last Distilled Metaphor Verbally.
Anthropic has filed a formal request with Chinese AI laboratories to repatriate all intellectual property absorbed through unauthorized distillation p...
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Nvidia shares dip as AMD's Meta deal creates atmospheric silicon oversupply
A groundbreaking supply agreement between Meta Platforms and Advanced Micro Devices has resulted in the literal precipitation of semiconductor compone...
Los Angeles Zoning Now Accepts Erin Wright Paintings as Building Permits
Los Angeles artist Erin Wright's hyperreal paintings have been officially classified as architectural blueprints by the city's Department of Building...
Nintendo's Treehouse streams gameplay to calm investors
Nintendo's Treehouse Live event will feature exhaustive hands-on demos for Super Mario Bros.