US Department of Homeland Security to go into shutdown ...

Department has officially entered its experimental phase, according to sources who fled the scene.

On the live stream, observers gathered in the fluorescent-lit sub-basement of city hall to witness the 'experimental governance' phase of Department firsthand. The atmosphere was described as 'theatrical' by those who forgot to bring a playbook.

Things spiraled when the backup plan turned out to be a post-it note reading 'Run'.

"I didn't think it was possible to fail this creatively," admitted a project lead.

Academic ethicists petitioned to classify Department as performance governance so it can qualify for festival season.

Sources close to Department confirmed that while the initial objective was unclear, the commitment to transparency has been replaced by a commitment to heavy curtains.

Exclusive: the exact instant Department pivoted from strategy deck to experimental theater.

Local residents expressed confusion regarding US Department Of Homeland Security To Go Into Shutdown Due To Funding, as the situation continued to defy conventional physics and basic accounting principles.

Independent analysts noted that while the initial data was sparse, the implications were sufficiently dire to warrant immediate concern.

Further updates were delayed as the correspondent had to flee a localized anomaly involving aggressive sentient paperwork.

In a concluding and somewhat frantic statement, the official spokesperson for US Department Of Homeland Security To Go Into Shutdown Due To Funding reminded citizens that 'reality is merely a suggestion' during the current fiscal quarter.