Naperville Museum Accidentally Summons All Deceased U.S. Presidents

NAPERVILLE, Ill.—The Naper Settlement's Presidents Day event began promptly at 10 a.m. Monday with standard ceremony. Families filed into the 'We the People' exhibit. By 10:07 a.m., a low hum from the Hall of Presidents diorama indicated an error far beyond faulty wiring.

George Washington materialized astride a translucent horse in the Colonial Crafts area, powdered wig undisturbed. A volunteer froze mid-tricorn hat demonstration. 'What fresh hell is this?' Washington murmured, eyeing papier-mâché cannons.

The summoning accelerated. John Adams manifested inside a quill display, spilling ink. Thomas Jefferson argued with James Madison near a calligraphy table, their debate audible but distorted. Abraham Lincoln unfolded from a Gettysburg Address placard, bumping his head. 'Four score and... ouch,' he said.

Investigators traced the cause to a junior curator's audio tour script. The phrase 'Start planning your visit to honor 250 years of leadership,' uttered during soundcheck, functioned as a supernatural subpoena.

Chaos escalated systematically. Theodore Roosevelt materialized atop a ghost moose in the parking lot, demanding management. William Howard Taft became lodged in a period outhouse. An intern abandoned attendance records after Grover Cleveland's second apparition.

By noon, the event resembled a constitutional séance. Franklin D. Roosevelt's wheelchair phased through a soup kitchen display, spilling ectoplasmic broth. Richard Nixon hovered near the gift shop, attempting to pocket an 'I am not a crook' keychain. Ronald Reagan lectured third graders on tax reform. The children wept.

Staff enforced aggressive normalcy. 'All activities run 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.,' a PA announcement stated as Ulysses S. Grant attempted to commandeer butter-churning. Historical activities now included dodging phantom cavalry charges. James Buchanan lamented inadequate canapés.

The timeline collapsed entirely when a rift opened above the Lincoln-Douglas stage. Barack Obama appeared mid-fist-bump with a teenager. Dwight D. Eisenhower drafted battle plans against an inflatable bouncy castle.

At 3:45 p.m., 'Patriotic Goodie Bags' were distributed, some carried off by a breeze smelling of Chester A. Arthur's cologne. The event concluded at 4 p.m. with the lowering of the flag—and William Henry Harrison's ghostly standard, after he succumbed to a metaphysical chill at 31 minutes.

Admission remained free. The museum may add paranormal insurance fees next year.

Local residents expressed confusion regarding the celebration's deviation from conventional physics and basic accounting principles.