DHS Secures Perimeter, Fails To Secure Funding

This morning, the Department of Homeland Security became the first federal agency to fall victim to the ongoing government shutdown. While the exterior walls of DHS headquarters in Washington remain intact, the department's workforce has been decimated by a lack of funding.

According to sources within the department, all non-essential personnel have been furloughed, leaving behind only a skeleton crew to guard against potential intruders. "We've secured the perimeter," said one DHS spokesperson, on condition of anonymity. "But we can't afford to pay them."

The shutdown has left millions of Americans feeling vulnerable, as their usual security nets are now threatened by bureaucratic red tape. "It's like living in a perpetual state of siege," said local resident Jane Doe. "I'm not sure if I should be more afraid of the North Korean hackers or my own Congress."

As the nation teeters on the brink of chaos, one thing is clear: the Department of Homeland Security has done an exemplary job of securing its own physical perimeter. Unfortunately, this achievement comes at a cost - namely, the employment and well-being of its own employees.

"This is a dark day for America," said Senator John Smith (R-Texas), in a statement from his office. "But I'm proud to say that our secure walls and razor wire have never looked sharper."

Meanwhile, on the streets of Cleveland, citizens are taking matters into their own hands. "I've barricaded my front door with a few dozen extra-large trash bags," said local resident Bob Johnson. "I figure it's better than nothing at this point."

As the shutdown drags on, many are wondering how things could have gone so wrong. Experts point to a perfect storm of partisan gridlock and federal overspending as the primary causes.

"We're facing a crisis of epic proportions," said DHS Secretary Michael Pompeo, in an interview with CNN. "I just wish we'd had more time to plan for this."

And yet, amidst all the chaos, there are those who see opportunity in the shutdown. On social media, trolls and conspiracy theorists are already cashing in on the confusion, peddling doomsday scenarios and get-rich-quick schemes.

"It's a national disaster," said one savvy entrepreneur. "But I'm planning to make a killing off of it."

As for the President, he remains resolute in the face of this crisis. In a tweet posted earlier today, he condemned the shutdown as a "total witch hunt" and warned of potential consequences should the government be forced to remain closed.

Just to be clear," he said, "this is not 1776."